Wednesday, June 8

I'm F.I.N.E.......

(Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional)

Now that I've had a bit of time to process this...I'm not going to lie to you, what's the point, but I am scared. Interestingly enough I'm not scared about the additional costs, the emotional costs, the stress, the how the heck do we raise 4 kids under 3, or any other thing that most people would be initially scared of. What I'm scared of is what most people who find out they're having triplets don't know about....the health cost.
That scares me. And even above (slightly) and beyond that, is the idea of being on bed rest in a hospital 4 hours away (round trip) for weeks on end, rarely seeing anyone, and particularly not seeing Matt and Ave very often. That brings me to tears, that makes me so, so, SO homesick (just rereading that idea makes me burst into tears again). That is what is rocking my world right now. I'm devastated at the thought that I could feasible not see my daughter for days on end and even then only for a few hours. No waking up in the middle of the night with her, no holding her when she falls and wants "mommy", no sitting with her reading.

This whole thing and how it's going to affect Ave has me worried. (Believe me I am trying to let go and let God on this one). Matt doesn't have time to be a stay at home dad, if I'm in the hospital Ave will, inevitable, be moving in with my IL's. I'm sure Matt will make the utmost effort for him to be with her as much as possible, particularly at night, but he get's up for the day at 4am. He can't leave her home alone and won't be able to take her to someone at 4am. We've talked about this briefly and he's already said he's going to try to keep her with him, as much as possible.

I don't know if it's normal to prioritize the child I already have over the children I may have. I feel terrible that I do, but right now Ave is my living, breathing child, I know I have her. I don't know what the future holds for these 3 little ones, who are still so small their hearts aren't even beating yet. Every time I woke up last night I felt guilt washing over me for being more concerned for Ave, than for these 3 little ones.

I don't know how to pray. In my ultrasound 2 of the sacs measured at almost 16, the 3rd one only measured around 10.5. It is very possible that the 3rd one won't catch up to the other 2. That this could be just a twin pregnancy, which I know would be so much easier. And then I feel guilty for even thinking that. I feel like I'm wishing/praying one of the lives of my children away. I'm telling ya' right now I am just a'riddled with guilt.

Then I think about what people will think (which I should't care what people think). When I'm at the fair this year, trying to work, and I'm only 15 weeks pregnant and look full term already. What will people who know about our IF think that we're pregnant with triplets.....irresponsible? I've already told Matt I don't want to broadcast the triplets thing, because of the reactions of most people; The "Oh my goodness" followed by nothing, which most of you had.

I know our doctor's office prides themselves on very few 3 or more pregnancies (I actually think they've only had a few triplets, and absolutely no quads or higher). I kind of got the vibe from my nurse that she was not too happy...with whom, I don't know. In our defense, I don't think anyone seriously thought the egg on my left side (the side with the huge cyst) would be a viable egg. I know I didn't. I knew there were 3 eggs, and that triplets could happen, but I don't think anyone seriously thought they would.
One thing I can say is that it's a good thing Matt and I like kids, that we planned on having a large family (just not all at once), that we own a grocery store, that we have lots of family and friends near by who will support us and help as much as they are able. Matt is trying not to stress about it until next weeks ultrasound, and we see heartbeats; Me, I'd rather be prepared for 3 and have it be 2, than the other way around. Either way, hopefully we'll have a much better idea of what's down the road for us next week (Tuesday at 10:30). In the mean time I'm going to keep trying to give this to God and not keep grabbing it away.


raisingmiles said...

I can definitely sense the stress, anxiety, and guilt in your words.

This is THE time to Let Go, and Let God.

For your sake.
For Ave's sake.
And for the babies' sake.

Hugs and Prayers to you.

Carrie said...

Having just had my second, I can (sort of) relate to the guilt you are feeling. I was more worried about leaving K for four days than anything else. I'm his primary caretaker - I'm the one he asks for if he wakes in the night and I'm the one he calls for in the mornings. I was terrified that along with the big change of a new sibling, he was going to feel like I was abandoning him. Luckily, we had discussed it all tons beforehand - Mommy will be in the hospital for a few days to get baby sister out of her tummy. Kasen gets to stay and play with grandma and grandpa. Kasen gets to come visit mommy at the hospital -won't that be neat?! We made it all sound very exciting. And he was excited and he did better than I could have even dreamed. We also had just had his birthday party the day before so he had tons of new toys that he was excited to get home to and play with.

But... that was only four days, which is nothing compared to weeks of bedrest.

When he did come to visit me in the hospital - it was great. He'd climb in bed with me and cuddle and watch cartoons, allowing both of us to get "recharged" from missing one another.

Kids are pretty resiliant though and while it will definitely be hard on everyone, I really think it's the most difficult on us because we project what we think they might be feeling and feel guilt about it even if we're way off.

The reactions of others- yeah, it's shocking. The thought of multiples never even crossed my mind for you guys, though it should have. I've been thinking about you non-stop though, wondering how you're doing and knowing you are having lots of emotions that never even occur to most people until they are in your position.

Oh - and a sidenote: You'll really need more cloth diapers now... if you're interested, I'll stop broadcasting my stash for sale until you find out about the babies and give you first dibs.

manymanymoons said...

All of this is totally understandable. Your head must be absolutely swimming.

BTW - If you are going to be spending ANY extended time in Albany you'll definitely have a visitor. :)

Katie said...

I can only imagine the stress and anxiety you are feeling. Whenever Mike says "it's fine" to me, that acronym always pops into my head. I will pray that God's love surrounds you in a sense of peace. I will also pray for the 3 little ones and Ave. She is lucky to have a mom that cares for her so much. <3

Feather on a Wire said...

You might not have to go in for months. There is a test called an Ffn which determines whether you are likely to go into premature labour in the next 14 days. If they suggest you go in then make them do the test first. If the test is good then it's just the doctor is not up to date with the latest thinking on multiple births.
What you might need to worry about is the bed rest, it will be impossible with a little one at home. She might have to go into a nursery whilst you lie down and do nothing.
But most of all, stop worrying! It doesn't do you or them any good nor does it have any effect on the possible outcome except in a negative sense.

Feather on a Wire said...

Ffn test information

Valerie said...

Oh Jes, I just caught up on all this news!!! I didn't even catch that you were pregnant, now I read it's triplets. First let me say, congratulations! Second let me say, everything you are feeling is NORMAL. Third, although mama guilt it normal, it's not helpful. I struggle struggle struggle with this, but so does every mom.
We all fear things. Your fears are totally legitimate. But legitimate or not, you must choose, every second if need be, to say "Jesus, I will not borrow trouble from tomorrow, for today has enough worries of it's own". This statement (prayer) is sometimes the only thing that keeps me afloat when my head spins. My good friend became pregnant with her 5th (totally unplanned) when her 4th was only 6 months old. She had so desperately wanted to breastfeed her little one past a year, but the "new" baby was already drying up her milk supply. On top of that she was tired and suffered morning sickness, which took her time away from all her little ones. She felt all kinds of resentment to the new baby, and then guilt for having that. But now, here she is about to have the baby and all is well. Her children have long forgotten her sick days. Her son has moved on to solid foods and is doing well. She and her husband are SO EXCITED for this new little one. I know that story in no way relates to the fears of leaving your little Ave for an extended period, but I know that my friend really regrets being in such turmoil her first 4 months of pregnancy. She wishes, (as do I most of the time) that she would have just cried her tears, laid it at the feet of her loving Father, and moved on. I pray God grants you peace, and helps you not to borrow trouble. Also know that none of us are perfect at it, so use your blog and vent away if you ever feel the need to!! :-)

sadie607 said...

I'm sorry Jess I can only imagine what you must be feeling. Although I will say that I think if anyone can handle triplets it's you. I really don't think I could but you, you can.

I can also relate to not know how to pray. I never wrote about this on my blog but when we found out it was twins our RE told us that the second baby might not make it because it was so much smaller and the heart was beating so small.

I was so afraid of multiples that I too was conflicted about which way I wanted it to go. I literally didn't know how to pray either. So I totally get that.

You and your whole family are in my prayers. And I'm here if you need to vent or cry or rejoice etc.

sadie607 said...
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